Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I'm passing your future prison.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We left the knife in your bed.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
