just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
