he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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