I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
