I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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