Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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