I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I woke up under a house in Key West
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