just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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