Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
