She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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