we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
