i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
