That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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