i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
