Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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