Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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