drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
