I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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