why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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