So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I wish you could order shots online.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
