Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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