Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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