Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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