I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
