I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
