her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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