Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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