Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Randomize
