I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
