i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
