yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
