it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
