I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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