are you still at the devil's house?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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