She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
