don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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