booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
