I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
