you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize
