Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
