I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
