Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Randomize
