Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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