he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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