Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
