every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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