i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
FUCK WHALES
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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