I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
