I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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