My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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