mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
