I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm at about main and main street
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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