I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
