It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Is Oprah even human
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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