Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
