hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
