i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
