god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
