I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
