No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize