Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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